What does a relationship centered on God look like (Part 1)
What does a relationship centered on God look like (Part 2: Boundaries Boundaries)
Part 3: A couple of things I’ve learned since being married…
Continuing our discussion on what a God-centered relationship looks like – specifically in the area of physical boundaries… Otherwise known as “the most straight forward and explicit I’ve ever been on the internet.” I’m feeling a little vulnerable, putting my thoughts and opinions (and below, my own personal experience and decisions) about such a private, controversial matter out on the internet for anyone to see. But I’ve been saying for a long time that the Church needs to be talking about this. And this is my opportunity to talk. So here it is.A couple of things I’ve learned since being married:
#1 Sex is a wonderful, beautiful thing, designed by God Himself, the author of the universe and the author of YOU. I think the purpose of sexuality is to picture our intimacy with God, and to form a permanent connection with our spouse. The only true expression of sexuality is in marriage, between two people who are sharing their lives, hearts and bodies with just each other. Unfortunately much of what we do before we get married is counter-productive to a healthy sex life in marriage.
#2 Heavy kissing/French kissing and “petting” (I hate that word, but don’t know how else to say it – “making out”?) is almost universally accepted as “normal” activity in a dating relationship – Christian or non-Christian.
On the other hand, no married couple that I know kisses as an activity – married couples kiss hello and good bye, and as a sign of affection. But if they make out, they’re going to have sex. There’s no sitting on the couch, making out, “petting” (see? It’s a gross word!), then saying goodnight and going to sleep, or going about business. This is getting really personal, but I can tell you that in my own marriage, if French kissing happens, it’s part of the whole deal. I don’t think this is just Matt – for a man, once the tongue comes in, it’s an invitation to sex.
You are of course still free to make your own decisions about how much and what kind of kissing you want to do in your pre-marriage relationships. Just know that much of what is acceptable dating activity, even among Christians, is actually designed to lead your body and your mind to having sex. To use a camping analogy: If you set up your tent on that steep of a slope, you should not be surprised when/if you begin to slide quickly downhill.
#3 Much of what couples do before they get married actually trains their bodies to respond in ways that are the exact opposite of the responses necessary to a healthy married sex life. This is just my own experience and opinion, and I’m certainly not an expert in anyone’s sex life but my own. But to my knowledge, there are two main hurdles that young married couples have to overcome in order to have a satisfying sex life: #1 The man has to learn restraint and control and #2 The woman has to learn to relax and let go. These are things that take time to achieve on both the husband’s and the wife’s part, even if there has been no previous sexual activity. Imagine how much harder it is if you’ve done a lot of heavy kissing/touching/everything but intercourse – you’ve built patterns where the man has not controlled or restrained himself, and the woman has had to constantly be on guard, aware of what’s going on. It’s greatly in the interest of your future sex life (not to mention your relationship with Jesus, Who deserves your whole heart and focus!) to practice restraint in your dating relationships, submitting yourself to Christ.
#4 Regrets come from experience, not inexperience: Matt and I were, by the grace of God, able to maintain a level of purity beyond what I expected – years before I met Matt, I’d prayed that the Lord would give me a man with the same or stronger convictions in this area than I had. The Lord answered that prayer & gave me a man who told me on our second date that he wouldn’t be kissing me unless he married me.
I was a little concerned about what our wedding night would be like, when all we’d done prior to that day was hugging and holding hands. Matt had been married before (his first wife died of cancer, in case you didn’t know 
), but I had hardly even kissed anyone – totally inexperienced. Now our wedding night is just for us – none of your business – but I will tell you that it wasn’t an issue at all. No one ever regrets inexperience – “wow, I sure wish we’d messed around more before we got married!”
A final note… I’ve shared some personal decisions and convictions here. However, I’m not asking anyone to follow in my footsteps. I don’t believe living a life of purity can be achieved by a list of rules. To live purely before the Lord, we have to be living before the Lord – looking Godward in all of our decisions.
Ask yourself… Do you want to honor Jesus in this area? Ask God, “What would be wise for me in this area?” Then live out of those convictions, no matter what. Ask the Spirit of the living God to lead you, guide you, protect you, and provide for you. Find friends with similar convictions who can walk shoulder to shoulder with you in these decisions. Ask God to give your future wife/husband the same or stronger convictions, and refuse to date anyone who isn’t surrendered to Jesus in this area.
And for those of you who are discouraged by the very thought of purity because you have a past and background that you feel permanently excludes you from ever living purely: That is a lie from the pit of hell. Your purity (and mine) were bought with a PRICE, by the blood of Christ on the cross. We are not pure because of the decisions we make, but because of the Lord who paid for us. There is no darkness that He cannot light. There is no dirt that He cannot wash clean. If you’ve trusted in Christ, then you are FORGIVEN, CLEANSED, and PURE. Please do not believe the lie that you are not good enough for a Godly man. If a man holds your past against you, he’s not a godly man, because he doesn’t understand what Christ did for you and for him. Look to Jesus, who knows all the parts of your past, present, and future – and loves you completely.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.
