What a great question – every Christian single wants a dating relationship (and someday marriage) that’s Christ-centered, but we hardly ever define what that actually means.
I find that most people mean that they want to pray with the person they’re dating, do a Bible study together, maybe even serve together. Those things are all wonderful in their places, as long as you’re guarding your hearts and being careful about the level of emotional intimacy you’re fostering before you’re engaged/married. However, I don’t think any of those things by themselves will ensure that you have a relationship centered on God.
Whatever you do or don’t do, a relationship centered on God can only happen between 2 people who are living their lives centered on God. So to have a Christ-centered dating relationship, YOU need to be focused on pursuing Christ, loving Him more and more every day, seeking Him in the Word, through prayer, through your relationships. And HE – the guy you’re dating – needs to be focused on pursuing Christ, loving Him more and more every day, seeking Him in the Word, through prayer, through his relationships.
Matt and I pray together regularly now – but we didn’t when we were dating. We prayed over meals when we were together, and we shared enough of our lives, hearts, and concerns (particularly ministry-related) to know how to pray for each other in our own private prayer lives.
We also didn’t then – and don’t now, unless ministry necessitates it – do a Bible study together. Some couples really value studying the Bible together – although apart from couples group studies, I don’t know any who have been able to maintain that habit for very long, especially after having kids.
I’m sure it’s different for different couples, but in dating to a degree and progressively more in marriage, we’ve found it easy to connect on a spiritual level without the structure of a Bible study – because we’re both in the Word individually. We’re both seeking to learn from the Lord and be challenged, and we want to share what we’re learning, or even being convicted of, with each other. We try to approach conflict in our relationship from the perspective of “What does the Lord want to teach us through this?” (not that we always succeed, and to be honest, Matt is MUCH better at this than I am.) When I’m feeling more spiritually apathetic, hearing what the Lord is teaching Matt reminds me that the Lord wants to teach me also, and I’m sure the reverse is true for him.
It is an amazing blessing in marriage to recognize that this person knows you well enough to see where you struggle and gently help you see it, pray with you and for you through it, and to love you unconditionally in spite of it. That’s true romance – someone who knows all your junk, loves you anyway, but wants better things for you.
This only happens to a degree in dating, but it should be something you’re watching for, something that’s steadily growing: Does this person make me want to know Jesus better? Does he make me want to live in a more God-honoring way? Does the person I’m dating want to see me made more like Christ? Do I trust him enough to listen and receive correction? How does he respond when I question or encourage him?
So… I think a relationship centered on Christ happens when a girl is centering her life on Christ dates a guy who is centering his life on Christ. What do you think?
Part 2: Boundaries, boundaries
Part 3: What I’ve learned since being married
And: What does it mean to guard your heart?
I know you wrote this awhile back, but I just read it when I was doing a google search and I just wanted to say thank you! It really hit home for me. I completely agree with you. Have you ever hear the triangle analogy? It’s a picture of a relationship between two people (who are the bottom corners of the triange) with God at the top (the upper point of the triangle).
If the two people bond themselves through earthly things they will only be connected at the bottom and will eventually snap. For a strong and lasting relationship both people have to be growing separately towards to top, towards Jesus, where they can eventually meet and have a realationship that the Lord is present in.
Thanks again!